As you can gather from the title, I'm not really grooving on the month of August this year. Why you may ask? Well, my lovelies I will tell you...I turn 30 on the 23rd!!! AHHHHHH! (imagine a bloodcurdling horror movie scream there) Now I know many will say "Who cares, its only 30!" BUT this symbolizes something for me that I do not want to happen. Let me explain, K?
1. I will be 30 & have yet to find a good job that I see myself working at for years to come. Yes, I have a job now & God yes I am thankful, but I do not want to stay here for very much longer. Circumstances being what they are I am not going to go into all the reasons as to why I don't want to stay here, lets just say its about that time.
2. (This is probably the biggest reason I am freaking out) I will be 30 & do not have any human children. Yes I know again many will say "who cares?" But I have an entire family who constantly is pummeling me with questions as to why I have not yet blessed them with an offspring. Now do Neal & I want children (a child) yes we do. But you see we have a house that is literally 102 yrs old, needs a new roof, a second floor that is Not complete enough to live in & only 1 bathroom. (yep that's right girls almost 7 yrs with only 1 bathroom, not fun!) Just a few reasons as to why I just can't bring myself to tell the hubs "OK huney, lets make a baby!" Also my mom is a breast cancer survivor, which in turn makes me a "1st generation risk patient". Now I may be mistaken but this is information that my doctor has given me, so please do not go off on me, k? But because my mom was diagnosed at relatively early age (41) this puts me a higher risk of possibly developing cancer in my early 30s. Now I will admit I am the crazy person who worries about virtually everything to the point that I have had 2 different ulcers already, but this is something that weighs heavily on me. I have a sister-in-law who has had 4 children in the last 5 yrs, which should have held off the pressure on me right? Well it should except they live in Colorado, & we all live in Georgia. So if anything the pressure has been mounting. But also my current employer will not pay me for maternity leave, so if I was to get pregnant I would have to literally work until the day before my scheduled c-section (I will not be able to deliver naturally for medical reasons) & would have to be back to work as soon as the Dr said I could drive. So just lovely huh?
I know that I am just rambling on, but hey this is my dang blog, so I'm sorry but if you do not like what I am writing, please move your cursor to the top right corner & click that little red X. So these are a few reasons as to why I do believe that this August will be the worst ever for me. Now who the heck knows I could have an amazing job offered to me randomly in the next month that could change my life ever. But that is life right? Things are always changing in our lives whether we want or like them to. So I guess the moral of my little rant is - You DO NOT have to be Uncontrollably happy just because your freaking birthday is around the corner! Thank you & that is all!
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
Yes the word of the day/week is "Discouraged". This one word can describe my attitude, feelings & thoughts of this week. Now I won't go into the entire long lament so that you (whoever you may be) can roll your eyes & say "Get over it!" That isn't the purpose of this post. My purpose to hopefully help someone else out there who may themselves be feeling discouraged this week. I pray that God will shine a light on your dark days & lift what burdens are pressing you down until you feel as if you may never stand upright again. I say this because I believe it is better to pray for your brother or sister before you pray for yourself. Many of us know people who have no problem praying for others, but never feel worthy enough to pray for themselves, so hopefully my little prayer for you before praying for myself will ENCOURAGE you! I also pray that God will show me his purpose 'cause I know he has one or I wouldn't be going thru this much stuff at once. I pray that he will lift my burdens away & fill me peace that only he can give. I truly hopes this brings a spot of light to your day & please know that even though you don't feel worthy of love & prayers, there is someone out there who thinks you are worthy & I do love you even if I do not know you, nor will ever know you.